


The Promised Land

by LokiTheGhost



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Formula One, Formula 1, Formula One
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-27
Updated: 2019-10-27
Packaged: 2021-01-04 12:41:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21197822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LokiTheGhost/pseuds/LokiTheGhost
Summary: F1 🤝 Memes





	The Promised Land

**Author's Note:**

> The following work may not be realistic and I'm looking forward to your feedback.  
⚠️ Shitty formatting below.

“Vettel ! Where are you going? The qualifier time trials are going to start !”  
“I know Leclerc” said Vettel, “Stop worrying about me and go back to your stable or you’re going to be late”

  


Leclerc was Vettel childhood friend, they met during middle school. Chom reminisced that fateful day as he walked back towards the garage.  
It was in first grade, his teacher said he was a failure, that he'll never amount to anything but Vettel scoffed at him. Shocked, his teacher asked what's so funny, that his future was on the line. "Well...you see professor" Vettel said as the teacher prepared to laugh at his answer, rebuttal at hand. "I watch the Formula 1 Grand Prix." The class was shocked, they merely watch pleb shows like “Fast and Furious” or the movie “Cars” to feign intelligence, not grasping the humor. "...How? I can't even understand it's sheer nuance and subtlety." said the professor choking on his words "Well you see...There are a lot of IFs in Formula One, in fact IF is Formula One backwards!" proudly replied Vettel. One lone student laughed in the back, Vettel turned to see who this fellow genius was. It was none other than Albert Einstein.

  


The very same genius who would later invent relativity. Albert Einstein was the president of the Formula 1 club in which Vettel encounter Leclerc. At the time, the club was building their very own car and Leclerc’s job was to serve as the crash test dummy. Needless to say, Leclerc was very eager to help his club achieving their ultimate goal: compete in the national championship. Leclerc and Vettel quickly became friends, sharing the same interests in cars. However the club was later disbanded as it was violating several safety regulations such as no security belt. On that occasion, Vettel and Leclerc oathed, that one day, this dream would come true.  
They worked like madmen in order to become skilled pilots, slowly but surely, their driving skills increased and they were scouted in a bumper cars stand where they were wreaking havoc among the small children.  
Time passed and the prophesied day came alas. Today was the day. They were currently passing exams to enroll into one of the prestigious F1 stables. From sunrise to sunset, numerous trials would await them and among all the candidates only a few would be selected. The test was split into two categories: the practical test in which you proved your skills in an F1 and a knowledge test on paper.  
Vettel and Leclerc graduated top of their class in school, and they’ve been involved in numerous secret races in the game “Mario Kart”, and had over 300 confirmed wins. They trained in gorilla warfare and were the top drivers in the entire server. This exam was nothing to them but another day in the office. They would drift the fuck out of the racing track with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth.  
Due to their extreme training, Vettel aced the driving test and Leclerc came in a close second, test that was performed using Wiimotes du to the lack of fundings. Next was the written test. The questions not only tested the driving theory but also their general culture. One particular question stood out for being this year most difficult question, it took the entire space on the back of the test, what could Obama’s last name be? Vettel knew he had to be clever and not fall into this obvious trap. He emitted several theories all backup with serious facts.  
The “Double Obama” Theory In this theory, Obama’s likely name is “Obama Obama.” This stems from the fact that his wife, Michelle Obama, has Obama as a last name. This would mean that if his wife’s last name is Obama, his last name would have to be Obama was well.  
The “President” Theory While it is hotly-debated as to ether or not Obama was born in America, it is certified that he did serve as the President of the United States of America between 2008 and 2016. A title often given to someone in this position is “Mr. President.” Due to the fact that Obama was in this position, this would logically mean his full name is “Obama Hussein President.”  
The “Care” Theory Thought it’s one of the more wild theories to have been proposed, many have become convinced that Obama’s last name might be hidden in one of his most famous policies: Obamacare. It’s out there, but not entirely impossible: due to the policy being one of the most well-known during his time in office, the mad lad could have totally suck if under our noses.  
The “Barack” Theory: There have been rumors floating through online forum websites like Twitter and Tumblr that the word “Barack” is somewhere in Obama’s name. Even crazier is that maybe Obama isn’t even his first name: it may be his middle or even last name. However, Barack isn’t a word. Most people have rejected this theory. The bottom Line: we may never know what Obama’s last name is. But we are closer to knowing than ever before and our staff will be sure to keep you updated if more information comes out.

  


When they got out, Leclerc sighed in relief “This test was hard! I had some extra time to double check my answers though”, “Oh really? I didn’t even finish, I struggled on the last part on the back of the paper” Vettel confessed. Leclerc became pale and stepped back in horror “What back?... OH NO”. At this moment, he knew he fucked up. He left out the most important question which stood for more than 90% of the final score.

  


Later that day, all the candidates were assembled in the courtyard for the results announcement. Each stable captains were here, on a platform overviewing the place, to declare which promising young talents they would allow in their team.

  


As Vettel passed all the tests with flying colors, none other than the Scuderia Ferrari asked him to join their ranks which he gladly accepted. Unlike him, Leclerc aced the tests from the bottom. Dawn was setting but none of the captains had yet to call his name and almost all potential spots were filled. Tears filled Leclerc’s eyes as his dream was slipping in the distance. The captains spoke one after the other, each selecting their new team members. Lastly, the worst team, the F1 team sponsored by LIDL was to speak. The captain solemnly spoke: “Big on quality. Lidl in price. That’s our motto. We believe that despite being the worst. Everyone can improve and become the best! That’s right! I believe in the determination of you young pilots. Therefore, Leclerc, you’re definitely one of us. Your brain may be a little bad but you can improve and prove to the world that you’re right? How does it sound? Care to join us?” “YES!” shouted Leclerc. His palms were sweaty, knees weak, arms were heavy. There was vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti. He was nervous, the whole crowd goes so loud. He opened his mouth, but the words won't come out.  
Vettel reassured him, “This is the first step towards realizing our dream right? We may have ended up in different teams but I look forward to you catching up to me.” “Uh are you joking? I’ll be the first to win the championship, I can’t let you beat me after all.” Leclerc giggled as he patted Vettel on the back. They both knew that the peaceful days were soon going to be over since they went into different stables, two rival stables nonetheless. They shook hands, promised to aim for the top and to live up to each others expectations.

  


A few days later, at the training facility of LIDL, Leclerc met his personal trainer, the legendary Fernando Alonso. “What a weird name” he thought, “Is he the janitor or something?”. Fernando saw Leclerc from a mile away and gave him a very warm welcome. “I heard of you from the captain! He said you were special. Are you going to pose for the telethon poster because you have some extra Vettelosomes?” “No I don’t think he meant I was special in that way” timidly mumbled Leclerc. “Oh… that’s awkward.. Anyway, I’m your new trainer and I will make you a champion just as I did with my previous student” said Fernando “That’s great! What was his name?” enthusiastically replied Leclerc “It was a long time ago, I think he was called… hmmm.. Paul Walker or something, he’s doing movies now, haven’t heard from him in a long time”  
  
The training was intense but Leclerc never gave up. He spent many hours in the F1 on the training track and in the classroom learning about racing tactics. Fernando was shocked about his determination, he had never seen such passion, such energy which led him to ask him why he was doing so much. Leclerc told him his story and Fernando cried, it reminded him of his youth and why he became a pilot. “You really don’t want to lose to your dear friend, I see. Actually, I'm the same with my friend at Ferrari, his name is Lewis Hamilton, the coach of Vettel.” Leclerc nodded, “All the more reason to crush them at the next race” Fernando raised his head looking into the horizon “You know, in high school, Lewis dared me to play "gay chicken", which is where two straight guys pretend to be gay, and the first one to chicken out loses. Him and I are both really stubborn, and neither one of us wants to lose. We've been married 14 years and we run a bed and breakfast in our home with our adopted daughter. If that dude doesn't chicken out soon, I'm going to start to suspect that he's actually gay” At this point, Leclerc realized that Fernando was a man of his word, never betraying the values which he held dear.  
  
The season started soon enough and the beginning was rough. Races after races, the odds were always in Vettel’s favor, he was sitting at the top of the rankings. A victory gave 7 points, second place 6, third place 5 and 3 for the rest. Vettel won every single race and Leclerc was in the bottom half. The last race of the year was to be held in Monaco and unlike any other races, the chinese rigged it, just like every Huawei phone. Because a lot of them was living there and wanted to show off their superiority to the europoor (europeen + poor). You could hear “CHINA NUWBA WAN” all over town. [note: I’m not racist, I ate sushi last week] The world was on the verge of World War III and the major powers seized every opportunity to show dominance.  
The twist for the last race was that it would award 800 points for the winner thus rendering the rest of the season completely obsolete. The power display of China was overwhelming.

  


The final race quickly came by and it was show off time between Vettel and Leclerc. The race that would decide everything, at long last. The one who would place higher in the rankings would gain an enormous moral boost and be the first to win the championship. Monaco was a sinuous track with a lot of traps to punish any greedy attempts. Monaco's street circuit places very different demands on the cars in comparison to the majority of the other circuits used during a Championship season. The cars are set up with high downforce; not as is popularly believed to increase cornering speeds, as many of the corners are taken at such a low speed to negate any aerodynamic effect, but instead to shorten braking times and keep the cars stable under acceleration. Many teams use special wing assemblies incorporating extra active planes in addition to those in use for other circuits.  
Leclerc was very confident, he thoroughly studied the track beforehand and knew every secret there was to know. Fernando Alonso - chose to set their Q2 times on the soft tyre, in order to start the race with this compound. Leclerc would start on supersoft. The theoretical gap between the soft ad superset os 0.4s, but the conditions dictated otherwise. Some drivers even went for their final Q3 run on the soft, like Sebastian Vettel. However Leclerc struggled in clocking in a good time, finding it hard to get the Michelin tires into the right operating temperature window to get the maximum performance out of them. That’s exactly where Vettel capitalized and outsmarted Leclerc. Vettel went after Leclerc and followed his trail. He took the same tires but finished faster because the roaded with heated prior to his passage. Such intelligence was rarely seen and took Leclerc by complete surprise. Leclerc was startled, he could hear a faint whisper behind him, it was none other than Lewis Hamilton, his rival’s coach!  
“To be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to understand my strategy. The time gain is extremely subtle, and without a solid grasp of theoretical physics most of the advantages will go over a typical viewer's head. There's also Vettel's nihilistic outlook, which is deftly woven into his characterisation- his personal philosophy draws heavily from the Michael Schumacher’s driving style, for instance. The fans understand this stuff; they have the intellectual capacity to truly appreciate the depths of these races, to realise that they're not just a fluke- they say something deep about LIFE. As a consequence people who dislike me or Ferrari truly ARE idiots- of course they wouldn't appreciate, for instance, the humour in Ferrari's existential catchphrase "Hippity hoppity, your trophy is now my property" which itself is a cryptic reference to Alain Prost epic biography. I'm smirking right now just imagining one of those addlepated simpletons scratching their heads in confusion as Vettel's genius wit unfolds itself on their television screens. What fools.. how I pity them.” “Hum right” said Leclerc, astonished by Lewis’ wisdom and superior intellect.

  


Vettel was to start in pole position and Leclerc dead last. The sun was high and the air was dry. Leclerc knew this was do or die. However, he had a trick up his sleeve. He went into the cockpit to make his final preparations. Fernando came to encourage him one last time: “Hey Leclerc, I think you’re the one, the one who can revolutionize the F1 sport, you will do a groundbreaking breakthrough if you win here. To ensure that we’ll go down in history, I rigged your car and placed a bar of C4 in the back of your car. If you were to lose to Vettel I’ll have no choice but to detonate the bomb. I’d rather you die than for me to lose face.” Leclerc was speechless, never has he seen such a try hard in the history of try hards. “I’ll just have to win right? Back off old man, victory awaits me and if I lose, I’ll make sure to crash my car into you” Their destiny was thus sealed.  
The countdown begun, Leclerc could hear his heart and the bomb timer beating increasingly fast, adrenaline was pumping. His car literally became a moving bomb. As the light turned green, he let his motor roar and swiftly took off.

  


Leclerc cheated, he didn’t wait for the light to turn green before starting, he predicted the timing when it would turn green to gain some precious milliseconds. If done right, nobody would notice. He quickly passed several pilots and was in a good place for the first turn, a sharp right. Usually people would slow down a little to engage in the turn then start accelerating as they were finishing the turn. Leclerc knew he didn’t have this kind or luxury so he went into a kamikaze style turn. Instead of hugging the left side, he stayed on the right, breaking at the last moment. That way the opponents were forced to let him pass, otherwise they would just crash into him, an incredibly audacious move.  
Fernando was one step ahead, he knew the FIA intention to change the 2.4 litre V8 engines to 1.6 litre V6 turbo engines for the 2020 season. The new regulations would include multiple energy recovery systems and fuel flow restrictions, to attract more commercial partners. They sounded very different due to the brand new MGU-H and MGU-K hybrid units. A 1.6 litre turbocharged unit was produced to replace the naturally aspirated units. The new formula reintroduced turbocharged engines, which last appeared in 1988. These have their efficiency improved by turbo-compounding and introduce more energy recovery systems—with power to be harvested from the brakes and exhaust gases. The original proposal for four-cylinder turbocharged engines was not welcomed by the racing teams, in particular Ferrari. Adrian Newey stated during the 2011 European Grand Prix that the change to a V6 enables teams to carry the engine as a stressed member, whereas an inline 4 would have required a space frame. The internal combustion engines are limited to 15,000 rpm, but rarely exceed 12,000 rpm during Grand Prix due to the new reliability and fuel flow.  
  
Leclerc smirked, his risky strategy paid off and he was now in fifth place. Scientists say that when one reaches an incredible amount of concentration, that person enters the zone, a sacred place where only the top, the creme de la creme, resides. Times slow down, your reflexes increases, your senses are sharp and you’re in total control. However this was extremely draining stamina wise. Leclerc knew he had to close things out quickly.  
A hundred lap were required to finish the race and it was only lap one. Anything could still happen. In order to catch up, Leclerc flipped a secret switch, it triggered the nitro boost giving him speed. Officially that wasn’t allowed but the chinese said fuck the rules for the last race so it made sense to use it. Naturally, Vettel was also aware of this so he sped up too. Laps after laps, the two friends were in a stalemate.  
Leclerc steered aggressively into a very steep turn. Vettel knew what was coming, this technique was commonly referred to as the noodle in the puddle, a well known concept among true F1 connoisseurs. He countered by drifting passively aggressively so his car blocked Leclerc. There was only a few laps left. There is a saying that says that before death, your life flashes back before you because you go through your past experience to find a solution to the imminent death. Vettel was threatening to win the race consequently destroying all Leclerc’s life purpose but Leclerc remembered.  
  
An incident occurred during his childhood, he was accompanying his mother’s mother’s daughter to the bank when suddenly armed terrorists broke in. The robbers held their guns up, telling everyone to put their hands in the air. His mom stood her ground, faced them directly in the eye, and simply said: "If you're being mugged, just say no. Your robbers cannot legally take any of your possessions." Almost instantaneously, the robbers collapsed to the floor, suffering from a bipolar seizure. Everyone clapped and she was given a position as a senator of the state of Florida, as well as invited by the Democratic National Convention to run for President in 2020. What an unbelievable event!  
Leclerc powered through, he overtook Vettel but Vettel hooked his front bumper to his rear tires letting Leclerc’s car spiral out of control, the tires screamed on the asphalte and Vettel was now ahead.  
Leclerc laughed as he found the solution, possessed by madness, he committed the unthinkable. Vettel gracely handled the downhill U turn and looked into his mirror but Leclerc was nowhere to be found. Indeed, Leclerc slowed down and instead of following the turn, he went straight ahead. If you think there was a cliff straight ahead then you are absolutely right. The finish line was a few hundred meters away, and Leclerc decided he would take a shortcut. He flew in the air. Vettel raised his head only for his view to be obscured by Leclerc’s car shadow. Moments later Leclerc’s car slammed the front of Vettel’s car. Both were broken beyond repair and smoke started to emanate from the hot pile of metal.  
“It’s over Vettel I have the high ground!” shouted Leclerc. Vettel groaned as he extracted himself out of his cockpit, he then proceeded to tackle Leclerc. “You were the Chosen One! You were supposed to destroy the imbalance, not join the jerks who play dirty. You were supposed to bring hope to the F1, not leave it in darkness.You were my brother, Leclerc! I loved you.” “How naive Vettel!” With the momentum of Vettel, they both fell down several meters. Vettel dazed by the shock of the impact could hardly maintain consciousness and passed out for a brief moment.  
  
The world was blurry, he could hear sounds in the distance, chaos, fire, sirens. He faintly opened his eyes, he was walking, leaning on Leclerc’s shoulder. “What’s happening? I thought you betrayed me..” mumbled Vettel. “Closed your eyes bro” asked Leclerc. “Okay, bro” “What do you see?” “Nothing bro” “That’s my life without you bro” “bro...” Vettel was too focused on winning the championship he lost track of what was his true goal. He looked back, their cars were on fire by now and he finally understood what was Leclerc true intentions. He purposely crashed so their cars would take the road whole width. This trick could only be pulled on a tight road, Monaco was the perfect spot. He blocked the road so the other drivers could not pass them anymore and he freed himself from the bomb at the same time. What a genius play. “In order to trick everyone, including Fernando, I needed you to believe the most. It all started the exam day, remember?” Vettel laughed “I guess you had me from the very beginning, you pretend to be retarded for all these years and failed the written exam on purpose, what a god”  
  
Painfully, they walked to the finish line. They would cross it together, both winning at the same time thus fulfilling their promise. Lewis and Fernando were shaking with anger, they had been tricked and were already thinking on retaliating but they were quickly swarmed by journalists wanting an exclusive interview.  
Vettel and Leclerc passed the line, the crowd cheered and fireworks were sent off in the sky, illuminating the sky. It was already dark after a hundred laps. Exhausted, Leclerc and Vettel headed back to the infirmary, they could hear Fernando speaking afar “A few years ago, we would never have supported gay people, but now that it's publicly acceptable and profitable to do so, we love you! Back when gay people's rights wasn't socially accepted, we never would have hired or supported you, but now we love you! LIDL totally really pinky promise care about you, and 100% aren't a soulless corporation trying to make a profit from your social movement. Remember to buy our products, as much as you possibly can, in order to support us!”

  


Vettel went in an auxiliary room to find a doctor. Leclerc went to the washroom to quickly freshen up, he met Lewis. “Oh hello there, are you also here because you almost died choking on your puke?” “...No?” replied Leclerc. “Oh… me neither, just kidding” Lewis laughed awkwardly and quickly changed the subject “What brings you here?” “I’m not feeling well, I think I need to lay down a little” “With great power comes great responsibilities, I once studied biology through a youtube video, let me examine you” Listening to Lewis soothing voice, he calmed down and sat. Lewis carefully questioned him “Where does it hurt?” “When I try to move my arm up a bit, the pain is unbearable” “I see… then don’t fucking move your arm retard, we’re done, case solved” said Lewis in a relieved voice. “Anyways, I need to do the interview now, next time we meet I kill you” Leclerc waited for a nurse to come by but in vain, the place was deserted. He headed back out.  
Every stables were buzzing with activity, the season was finally over, they started packing up. The materials and cars needed to go back into shipping boxes and to be sent back to headquarters. Fernando and Lewis were still busy with the journalists. Vettel and Leclerc were finally free and met in a clearing behind a nearby hill.

  


The two best friends were finally alone. After all these years, their hard work paid off. “Your acceleration is insane.” Vettel said, as he slipped his feminine hand into Leclerc’s exhaustion chamber and smirked. “Are you try to out-break me?” protested Leclerc, as Vettel blushed, the boyish figure with his car hood opened before Leclerc. “Weak pit stop time, Vettel” The two crashed into each other, deeply and passionately, and afterwards Vettel placed his front wheel rim table into Leclerc’s piston (front and rear) carbon callipers, carbon discs and pads. “Didn’t you forget something, Vettel? It’s gay if you don’t say no homo” whispered Leclerc in a worried tone “No I didn’t” softly replies Vettel “Don’t you realize? It’s gay if you like a woman because you like a person who’s attracted to men and liking men is gay. However if you like a man you like a person who like females which is 100% straight. You can’t be more straight than that.” Leclerc was shocked, how come he didn’t think of that. He was blind this whole time and the undeniable truth finally opened his eyes, such as a ray of light lighting the darkness. He ascended mentally, the planets aligned, he attained peace. “Thank you Vettel, our dream was about racing together but I realize now. Beyond F1, cars and racing, you taught me a far more valuable lesson, a lesson about life, you saved me. Liking women is gay. Liking men is manly.”  
Their hearts were set ablaze. They knew the truth, at long last, they reached the promised land, a place where their dreams came true, a place where, through their sacrifice and determination, they could finally comprehend the very nature of humanity. And who knows what they will achieve through their journey to enlightenment.

**Author's Note:**

> As you could read, I'm a fervent supporter of peak clownery.


End file.
